pissed.

in lt26doing tutorial now. bored.

just now went to buy drink and someone knocked me and the drink spilled out of my hand. not that i mind very much. turned back to face the fella then saw this indian he just said "well that happened to someone yesterday too". damn.

then just now someone in my group deleted the soap notes at 2am yesterday! and of cos i slept earlier than than that so i realised that only at 7:20am when i woke up. mad rush to upload notes. damn. got stuck in traffic, late for lecture.

and got stuck under the fan. now nursing a heavy cold.

wtf.

The Lightning Express

Went to sweelan's party in my dad's car and on the way i heard this song on radio gold 90.5... the lyrics are very familiar, i seem to have heard it in primary school before. but it made me cry.

The lightning express from the depot so grand
Had started out on its way
All of the passengers that were on board
Seemed to be happy and gay
But one little boy who sat by himself
Was reading a letter he had
You could plainly tell by the look on his face
That the contents of it made him sad

The stern old conductor then started his round
Taking tickets from everyone there
And finally reaching the sad little boy
He gruffly demanded his fare
"I have no ticket" the boy then replied
"But I'll pay you back someday"
"Then I'll put you off at the next stop we make"
But he stopped when he heard the boy say

*"Please Mr. Conductor
Don't put me off of this train
The best friend I have in this world sir
Is waiting for me in pain
Expecting to die any moment sir
And may not live through the day
I wanna reach home and kiss mother goodbye
Before God takes her away"

A girl sitting near was heard to exclaim
"If you put him off, it's a shame"
Taking his hand, a collection she made
The boy's way was paid on the train
"I'm obliged to you miss for your kindness to me"
"You're welcome," she said, never fear
Each time the conductor would pass through the car
The boy's words would ring in his ear

Repeat Chorus

Chords/playing (A Major)
Verse
bcbcaabcbca (A)
cdddafae (D) (A)
cbcaabcbca (A)
bbbbbcb (B7, E7)
bcbcaabcbca (A)
cdddafae (D) (A)
fafbafeeac (D) (A)
cccbagaba (A) (E7) (A)
Chorus:
cbabca
cdddafae
cbcaabcbca
bbbbbcb
bcbcaabcbca
cdddafae
fafbafeeac
cccbagaba

***

some stuff from jw.

i almost cried...

**

前言：每个女孩都是天使，当她落下一滴眼泪时，上帝就收回她的翅膀。所以，世间的男孩都应该记得，当你面前的女子为你落下一滴泪时，她已经为你放弃了整个天堂。

梦幻般的天堂,居住着很多天使,其中有一个天使很特别,她16岁,有着一双美丽的蓝色翅膀. 黑黑的头发披洒在肩膀,大大的眼睛总是笑着.很美.那就是我. 每个天使的额头上都有一个不同的标记,我的是一个蓝色的雪花，所以叫蓝雪儿，职务是守护爱情。

有一天上帝说要派两个天使去人间寻找男人的真情, 在人间的期间不可以用法力和说出真相 ，要用自己的能力，但不能动真情。于是,我是其中的一个。

我和一个叫飘飘的天使被放在了一个美丽的城市----桂林。我们选择了一所学校,决定在那里寻找。

进校后,好多的男孩都可以作为目标，可是我觉得他们不是最好的人选。

有一天,我在水池洗衣服,看到了一个的男孩,正对着我笑。 "好帅啊!"我不禁的脸红了。后来我知道他是刚转来的学生,叫子毅。

每天,我站在班级的门口,总能看见他,我感觉得到他也在看我。糟了!我好象喜欢上他了，怎么办?

有一天,一个同学过生日,我去了,他也在。不知为什么,心里好高兴。后来他喝了好多的酒.大家都走了,只有我。

"去玩啊?"忽然他问我。

"好啊。"我糊里糊涂的答应了。

我们去了黑山植物园,坐在草地上我们聊了很多，我不知道这算不算是人间所谓的谈恋爱。我们在街上散步,笑着,闹着， 不知不觉已经到了12点。

"累了吧?找个地方休息吧!"

"恩!"

那一夜,我们在一个旅馆住的，我和他睡在一个被子里。他搂着我,整整一晚我们都没有睡着。

回去后,我手里拿着他的衣服----是我想帮他洗的，我看见了飘飘。

"你爱上他了?"她质问我。

"没有。" "那你昨晚去哪了?"

"我.........我去玩了。"

"你别忘了,我们不是凡人,不可以有凡人的感情，懂吗?"

"我知道!!"我大吼道，"我的事不用你管!"

"随你便,你会后悔的."说完她就走了。

我会后悔吗?我自己也不知道。

以后的日子里,我们常常在一起散步、聊天、我好开心。不过没多久,飘飘告诉我,上帝已经知道我动了凡心,要我回去。

我哭了,真的要放弃这段感情吗?我晚上约了他见面，想和他说我要走了,可是话到嘴边还是没有说出口。

他吻了我,抱住了我,虽然没有说什么,可我满足了,于是,我决定,为了他不做天使。

我回到了天上,我向上帝请求:"让我做一个凡人吧!"

"你不后悔吗?想做凡人是要折断翅膀的。 "

"我不怕痛!"

"好吧!既然你心意已决，我就答应你。"

在斩台上,我最后抚摩着我的翅膀,它泛着幽幽的蓝光,好象也在哭。"永别了!我的翅膀,我的天堂。"

上帝最后一次问我:"你不再想想了吗?"

"不了！"当刀光闪过,一阵巨痛划过我的全身,我就什么也不知道了。 当我醒来时,已躺在了宿舍里,

我强忍着痛走出了门。找到了他," 我好想你 !"我扑到他的怀里。

"我们谈谈吧!"

我抬起头："谈?谈什么?"

"我其实一直把你当朋友，不是喜欢你。"

天啊!听到他的话,好象是晴天霹雳："为什么?为什么?我哪里不好吗?我可以改啊!怎么会是朋友呢?"我快崩溃了。

"没有，你没有什么不好，只是我有女朋友了。"

"你当初为什么不说?为什么?"

"我没有必要告诉你啊?"他象征的笑着。

"那你为什么抱我,吻我？这代表什么?"

"我和朋友都是这样的,什么年代了，这算什么啊!"

我明明听到了我心碎的声音，有一种液体从我的眼里流下 ---人叫它:眼泪。我是一个人了。

那天是平安夜,我哭了好久。那天,雨好大，我坐在天台上,朋友说喝了酒就可以忘了忧愁，于是我买了3瓶。

"好苦啊!原来酒和爱情一样是苦涩的。"我醉了,可还是好想他,好伤心,好心痛。其实,他早已经在我的心里了。我后悔了吗?不知道。

雨水和眼泪模糊了我的眼睛。遥望天空，那个我曾飞翔过的地方，我用力的跳起,却重重的跌落在地上，我不再能飞了。

"你很后悔吧?想飞回天堂?"飘飘出现在我的面前。

"我没有，只是没有想到是这样的结果。可我从不后悔爱上他,尽管.........他不爱我。"

我苦笑着，我願逃離天堂，飛向你的身邊，尋找我們的愛。雖然你離我越來越遠，但我不會放棄，因爲我愛你。雖然你騙了我，吻了我，到了最後你不要我。我哭過，但是這對你毫無作用，你的 心是那麽的冷，把我凍的傷痕累累，我卻依然想用我的愛來溫暖你。因爲，我已經愛上你了。

平安夜我許的願望是：即使你不愛我，但我還是希望你每天都快快樂樂，永遠開心，健康，平安，幸福，找到心中的最愛。

你我都說過，喜歡和愛不同。但你知道嗎？我已經愛上你了。为了你，我忍痛折断了我的翅膀，不再飞，做个凡人，那样才能爱你，可你却离开了我。

翅膀没有了，好痛！可是失去你，我的心更痛！你明白吗？我对你的爱？ 我哭时，你在哪里开心？ 我再也不能飞了，我失去了我美丽的蓝色翅膀，我的最爱，也失去了你。

thanks dear, for the wings that you have forsaken for me ~

The first two weeks of march

March is here, and the engine is supposedly to be gathering steam.

No it's not for me. my mind is still filled with thoughts of nuanxin, grand theft auto san andreas and... well that's pretty much for now.

Three tests have flown past since school reopened after the mid-sem break. Two of the test results have been announced.

Think i didn't do very well, i mean, well enough than some people, but yet, not well enough than other people, u know. somewhere in the middle.

I shall not attempt to hide my results. They're not absolutely fantastic either.
LSM2101 after-midsem test: 85%
PP2106-the-killer-test: B

Pharmaco(logy) test results were out today, and people scrambled to read them. I say i got somewhat of a blessing in disguise. There was negative marking, so that pretty much killed off some classmates who were too eager to answer questions. I went in without much knowledge when i enter and i still got away with a B. (But yet, i attempted most of the questions, so i probably got some friendly fire as well...)

Pharmaco test was horrible, it was true/false --> you MUST know whats going on, and it was in true medico-style: there were 25 questions, with 4 sub-parts in each question, means u had to answer a total of 100 questions in a time of 45 minutes. Shockwave from the lecture theatre.

I guess.. after these two tests.. I really know where my limit is and that my Mr. Fantastic streak has stopped (well, actually i realised that long ago). Was talking to a friend yesterday and he said that grades weren't everything in university, it's what you do ultimately at your workplace that determines how far you go, or something like that. Examples such as successful millionaires without degrees have been quoted ad lib, which i somewhat agree. Not everything can be solved with knowledge.

It's sad that we're directly pitted against our own classmates, again, to stress, some might be our friends, close friends, or cliques. When a friend of yours gets better grades than you, naturally you'll feel jealous, saying "hey why am i getting lousier grades than him or her?" despite being such good friends. And to those who are not within our clique we might even make malicious remarks. But, cruel as it seems, i guess it's the university's ways to make us realise that, in the workplace, no matter how close you are to the particular person, you'll still find out that he or she's an adversary in some matters. For example, fighting for opporturnities, or even promotions. There is no right or wrong - it's right if you come out winning, and wrong otherwise.

Sigh.

For now, for this sem, i still hope i can have grades good enough to survive. May not get into second upper honors. May not do FYP. Let time decide. I just hope to get a good clique of real friends by the time i leave, a great relationship with nuan, and many vivid colourful memories that bring back wonderful bouts of nostalgia in the near future.

No test next week (week 10). Tests ahead:
Week 11: Lab tests (tues, wed), pharm analysis test (thu)
Week 12: pharmaco test 2 (thu)
Week 13: LSM CA 2 (tue)
Week 14: reading week
Week 15: final exams.

Back to Basics

March is here. Test after test, week after week...

contrary to what i thought would happen to me on year ago, i'm not doing well in studies. neither am i on a yep. nor juggling six modules. nor being overly active in pharm. nor aiming to be... whatever.

time is starting to fly once u're entering the third month of the term... the next month will be exam month, so this is the time to catch up, which i'm obviously not doing.

i just look forward to the end of the day so that i can see nuan again... look forward to wednesdays where we can volunteer together, followed by some spare time left for dinner... look forward to the end of the week when we can go out together...

haiz. realizing i'm neglecting all my friends as i devote more time to my precious.

one of my jc friends, yew sen, had this quote: u can choose only two out of the three: friends, family (in this case, girlfriend), and studies. i guess he's right after all.

yup, for those of u who are not in the know, i'm attached. to this lovely lady called nuan xin. picture a few entries back. sorry i kept it from u guys for so long, esp leo and ws (if u guys still read this column). mainly what i wanna say.

yep. time to go back to study again.

Robin Becks - First Time

There's always a first time for everything.

***

First time
first love
oh what feeling is this
Electricity flows
with the very first kiss

Like a break in the clouds
and the first ray of sun
I can feel it inside
something new has begun
And it's taking control
of my body and mind
It begins
when I heard
I love you
For the very first time

This life
this love
oh what sweetness I fee
lso mysterious yet so incredibly real
It's an uncharted sea
it's an unopened door
But ya got to reach and
ya gotta explore
Even thought you're not sure
till the moment arrives
he is and you know
you're in love
for the very first time

And baby when I met you
every feeling I had was new
I don't think there are words to
describe the sensations,
oh no no no

And when something's happens
that words can't define
only then do you know
you're in love
for the very first time...

why queue?'s a series of unfortunate events

when you're down and out, every bad thing that happens to you, accumulates.... to the negative sense of mood.
and you tend to ignore every good thing that comes along your way.

Wednesday.

11pm-12am thursday: quarrel.
12am-1am: busy with printing notes, answering rogue questions about an experiment which i had no idea about and calculating rogue figures. on msn. answering yep trip questions. on msn. congratulating jw on her dance. on msn.

ignoring nuan. on msn.
in total, i had about 7 windows on msn. normal workload: 1 window.

tried printing notes. printer jammed. wasted two pieces of paper. document came out lousy. can't remove the jammed paper. removed and to my horror it's badly deformed. demoralized that i have to do 2 tutorials by tmr which i'm printing out now. hunted all over the house for stapler. damn pissed at not being able to find one after searching all the cupboards. lamented that, in such a big house, there's no stapler. although i can find an abundance of stapler bullets all over the house. felt stupid at asking cecilia to leave my trusty pink stapler, used since hall days, in the PS room lost and found counter. cursed the person who took the stapler even though she left it at 4pm and i went to check at 5pm.

don't take things which are not yours, asshole.

12pm. came to sch. 1pm. went to buy stapler for $2.5. used up the last $2 note in my wallet. quite broke now. went to buy coffee for 60c. real milk coffee, not yuan yang.

1:30pm. both mechanical pencils broke down, no lead. used 2b pencils from last lsm test instead. blunt and disgusting.

2pm. came to LT20 for pharm prac lecture. deep in the middle of a card game when peirong asked me to pay up $50 for class fund, if not next time she sees me pay $55. lost that game somemore. real bad mood now. thought of last night's quarrel over a small thing and totally flared up. getting uncontrollable. went to the back of LT20 and saw grace talking on the phone. went into the dark antechamber instead, squatted in the shitting position back facing the wall. surprised junice who was on her way to the toilet. deep breaths. semi-calmed down.

3pm. break. talked to no one, once break was announced i made for the ATM outside LT27. armed with blank expression to the surprise of the pharm seniors sitting outside the LT. withdrew $50 and handed it to peirong. went to lvl 4 toilet. washed my face. came down. saw my bag on the seat and promptly slammed it down hard, alarming wanchee and mayi sitting on the lower tier. yuantai asked me why was i so angry. i didn't reply. i didn't know myself. during the 2nd half of the lecture i just scribbled away furiously.

4pm. pharm analysis. moved to the uppermost tier to rest my head against the wall. started lsm tutorial. saw dr chan walking in. class started. first person he picked to answer the question was me and i didn't know a shit. flipping through notes. jason offered me his notes but then dr chan said "oh look he's flipping through answers now" or something. refused the answers. getting pissed why i'm not coming into this lecture prepared as i would have expected. answered the question wrongly, my voice resonating through the whole, silent LT.

got better during the lecture. by 5:30pm i was quite neutral. after lecture i zoomed out. headed from LT20 to YIH by foot. didn't wanna call nuan. it would make things worse.

YIH. ate. approached the stall but remembered i had no cash. went to draw. came back. bought food. wanted to call nuan. hesitant. decided to wait for her sms. went to study room to attempt the tutorials. phone turned to silent. half attempting half looking at the phone. jw asked me whether i would be going for her concert. checked with lin qun. nope. sad for her.

wang asked me out for dinner instead, although i have eaten. took the 96 from YIH to clementi MRT. trains were darn packed. didn't know rush hr traffic was that shitty. had to get on the third train eventually after some pushing around. just to take one stop to jurong east.

7-8pm. wang. not too bad. jokes abound. was good.

8-10pm. tutorials. not much done. didn't add on any stuff for pharm prac tutorial. guess i'll type. listened to songs, esp 我真的受伤了 (wo zhen de shou shang le) by jacky cheung. it's in D Major. sad song.

10pm-11pm. nuan came online. answered her with one-word replies. very hostile(myself). still hiding around the barrier that i have foolishly erected.

----

disclaimer:

i do not blame peirong or dr eric chan on what they have done today. they did their duty as treasurer, collecting money from students, and lecturer, asking questions before lecture (which he does).

it's just unfortunate that they had to do it on such a day, when i wasn't feeling myself and my rebellious self had come out to play.

to all the others who witnessed this horrible self of mine, i sincerely apologise. esp to junice, mayi, wanchee and all the guys.

Labels: shitty moment

Another wednesday

Today.. nothing much happened: only these:

1) Lab: Two titrations, done in duplicate.
Blunders: didn't add 50ml of water to my solution then was wondering why the thing remained cloudy when everyone else's was clear!! argh. then titrated all the way until endpoint = 19.0ml which was quite close to the original but asked Dr Chan to have a look and he said: "wahhh, like that ar, i dunno what endpoint is reached liao lei..." or something like that lar. wah so paiseh.

then #2: titration for thiosulphate and iodine. was happily doing the second thiosulphate titration, put the iodine liao and close to my first value of 43.5 ml and then... the burette leaked!!!! wtf!!!! i could have cried. all my hard work in prep the solution (it takes at least 20 minutes to prep one stupid flask) GONE! boohoo... the lab tech could just look at me and say.. "you're redoing?" yeah, sad fact.

#3. the two values didn't match very closely, about 0.4ml apart. shit = fake results.

2) NUH volunteering. Was still feeling nervous but always armed with the Nike slogan: just do it!!! went to talk to the patients before their dinner.

Was talking to an patient, clearly bedridden and having that dazed, sian diao look. intro myself and where i came from, SOP. asked if he'd liked to talk, SOP, as from nuan's mouth.

whatever followed was definitely not SOP.

he is clearly unresponsive, but damn, i haven't talked to a single soul in the ward yet and i might as well make this one my first. WRONG! so further i prompted, "are you bored? would u like to talk?" etc.

then, came the horrible thought that i suspected, that he could be having problems talking. maybe he had an op near his larnygeal area, or whatever. so i asked:

"can you talk?"

it was such a question so commonly used in SOAPs, e.g. to find out whether the patient is suffering from any laryngeal discomfort or wad... but as a volunteer... it is deeply insulting and inappropriate... would it suggest that he was dumb? or am i just simply laughing at his plight?

the moment these words came out of my mouth, i felt so stupid. how can i be so insensitive!!! but it was so reflex. i mean as a pharmacist... next time i will be asking people in such an "insensitive" manner.

but as a volunteer.. i guess i have no right to.

then i was thinking.. i could learn... i must learn. to switch between volunteer and pharmacist mode... to ask the right questions within the appropriate job scopes...

nuan asked me... do i want to volunteer? what do i want from volunteering?

answer: to learn something... soft skills.

A touching story

A true story. Names are withheld for privacy.

There was once this young boy about 4 years old who could not converse well with others, only guttural noises and simple words. for a long time his parents tried to teach him how to speak.

one day this uncle of his came and offered him a sweet. the boy accepted the sweet and ate it on the spot. after he finished, he asked for a second one, to which the uncle gave it to him.

to everyone's astonishment, he offered the sweet to his twin sister... everyone was so amazed by his action.

to even greater astonishment, the sister bit half of the accepted sweet and offered the other half back to him.

the uncle then decided to try again. he took 2 lollipops and hid one behind his back. he then offered the sweet to the boy. after accepting the first lollipop, the boy wanted another lollipop.

as predicted, the boy offered the second lollipop to his sister...

***

Labels: touching story

My laptop wallpaper. No, she's not my sister.

We're here because urea

For those people who missed Prof Tan CH (aka the LSM amino acid lecturer)'s lecture this friday, this is one of the memorable moments that make lecture worth going... or maybe not worth going.

WE’RE HERE BECAUSE UREA (Tune: “The Bold Gendarmes’”)

The endogenous repletion of water in the sea
Lets nitrogenous excretion proceed quite easily
For ammonia though toxic is quickly washed away
So fish excrete (4 times) the ammonotelic way (repeat)

But new terrestrial creatures to survive where it was dry
Developed metabolic features in order to detoxify
Since urea is quite soluble and its doesn’t make you sick
We each excrete (4 times) as a ureotelic (repeat)

When protein breakdown is induced (to make new glucose, say)
Amino acids thus produced give nitrogen away
Keto acids are acceptors; and oxaloacetate
Transaminates …….. giving rise to aspartate

Glutamate too may be produced from oxoglutarate
And now that it’s been introduced deamination is its fate
For inside each mitochondrion of every liver cell
Is GDH ….. (reducing NAD as well)

Ammonia that’s thus set free combined with CO2
Utilising ATP (and an extra squiggle too)
The effector of the synthetase is acetyl glutamate
The product formed …… carbamoylphosphate

Two amino acid oddities now enter on the scene
The essential commodities, ornithine and citrulline
Ornithine starts in the cytosol, citrulline in mitos, free
Then they exchange …… electrogenically

Carbamoylphosphate carbamylates the ornithine
So we get a kind of steady state generating citrulline
Citrulline now is exported, then combined with aspartate
And generates ….. argininosuccinate

That Schiff base condensation utilises ATP
But there is now elimination and fumarate’s set free
Fumarate through citric cycle yields oxaloacetate
That then in turn ….. gives another aspartate

That cleavage mentioned just before also yielded arginine
And what this pathway’s called a cycle for can now readily be seen
For arginine is hydrolysed regenerating ornithine
Which can exchange ….. for another citrulline

That arginase reaction then also yielded urea
(Aspartate gave one nitrogen, one from ammonia)
And we thus complete the cycle that let us leave the sea
Sing urea …… which set the people free