Seething with anger resulting from love

(Since now the blog is dead, probably no one will peek at this note.)

I need an outlet. Before i start studying for my DFD2 practical test, which i foresee i will screw it up anyway. Serious.

I've realised that there's something that's quite robotic, quite mechanical about me this sem. I never needed an outlet, and hence i never needed to blog about anything. Homework suddenly became secondary to YEP. And all the bad stuff about YEP went to bingxun, whom shared the load.

Another thing about the absence of an outlet is because of my girlfriend. Not that i talk much to her though about my problems, most of the details still lie hidden in the gyri and sulci, as it is very hard for it to come out. To put it comparatively and in a very biological manner, whatever signals the brain sends to my fingers is probably more efficient than whatever signals it sends to my larynx. I always have to think of what to talk, coming up with many different options, often the words for both options come tumbling out in a swift torrent. I think i'm beginning to have a speech problem.

Anyway, still have not reached the point of what i'm about to let go. Today went to fetch the missus after her lessons. Was it the pills or was it because of a lack of sleep, that made me a bit irritable. Or was it the looming tests ahead that encircled me constantly like a huge thunderstorm. Was generally not very responsive and chatty as a result.

We talked along the way as we waited for the bus, with her opening up more topics and me trying to close them. Somehow or rather the topic shifted to her own problems, and everything came out in a torrent. Won't be too dramatic here, i'll be more objective - 20 minutes of pure listening from the point we left clementi interchange to the point we reached jurong east. And she talks very fast. And we were sitting at the back of the bus, so there was this incessant humming of the darn bus which drowned out like 50% of what she was saying.

The thing about hearing is that, at least for me, if my brain perceives what is something like conversation, it will analyse it. Especially more so if i'm tired but not falling asleep - everything you say, i can hear it, even its from the other end of the corner. I guess one explanation is that, when the mind is tired, it tries to sleep. And for me, total silence must be achieved before the sleep cycles begin. I guess you can call me a light-sleeper of sorts.

And so, you have the situation. A long, continuous message (about 3-4 words/second)? trailing on and on and on for 20 minutes. And 50% drowned out by the darned engine of the bus. I dunno why, but my whole body heated up.

One topic let to another as more problems were revealed. I guess she really needed an outlet to express herself or something. And i was not, at that point in time, a very good outlet to do so. Like earlier, I was trying to close the doors that had opened by offering solutions to her problems, but she just keep going on and on, and i knew that she just needed an outlet along the way to spill her problems out, but my neuronal activities were very high, there was this time where i felt like i might just snap and scream at her to shut up in front of all the passengers, or lapse into a fit. Although, i should have, and should be the correct way, is to tell her my condition on the bus and maybe she can tell me her problems later in installments.

Was it pure, loving torture? How much, when we say that we can provide a listening ear, that we can really listen? After we got down from the bus, really felt like a bit of nausea and headache. Then the retaliation began that really screwed the day up. Somehow i got a bit of heated up as the conversation proceeded, then said something about "if you can't solve the problem in the near future, just don't worry about it" which made perfect sense to me but zero sense to her, of course. I wasn't being very empathic about her problem, but i had no strength left in me to do so. Then the backlash, i forgot what i said, but in the course of that particular few minutes, everything turned super ugly and i could see it written on her face all over. Was feeling a bit pissed too as what had initially turned to be the last rendezvous before i go intensive on my revision for the two DFD tests turned out to be so sour. And she felt moody after that.

Imagine - from a happy setting before we took the bus - to getting moody after the bus. The problem with her is that she'll get moody after pouring all her problems out. And when she's moody she's quite unpredictable. I really feel guilty at saying this out.

Then the blame started to shoot from each other - although she says she is not angry, she is. After all that i've said, it's quite hard not to be angry right?

Then i felt the indescribable bout of anger - coming from someone so truly loved - that surged through my entire self, almost made a scene as she just left me to take the bus home. Clenching fists, flushed face, tachycardia, as well as an almost uncontrollable urge to hurl my bag down in disbelief and bewilderment engulfed me. Anger that lies so deep, so hurtful.

One week curfew starting from now, ending next tuesday till DFD2 tests are finished. Gonna add on to the agony.

There. Sorta released most of the tension by posting. Hope you do NOT read this, dear. I need an outlet too, for your information. And since when i try to complain about you to you it resulted in such a mess, i decided to do it online. Hope you understand.

I know that life is sometime a pain. Everyone has their own pains, i believe. I'd just like to solve them for you. Maybe that's what guys like to do, whereas girls just like to express, but don't expect a solution. Maybe that's why people in love can quarrel so often.

My own pains, i've probably been numb to them all the while, preferring to escape outright. After all, there are so many problems out there, and not every one of them has a solution. I would prefer to be happy, and i really am when i am with you on the other days.

Maybe it's because today's Halloween, so there's the rogue witch that casted a cruel joke upon us~