Allow yourself to Grieve

Taken from: "How to Heal your Heart" by Elizabeth Hickey, MSW

For a friend.

There are five stages of grief that most people go through when suffering a significant loss: denial, anger, bargaining, sadness/depression, and acceptance. Become familiar with the stages as a reminder that your emotions and thoughts are not abnormal, but are, in fact, healthy and normal. Even cycling back in the progression is to be expected. From one person: "I noticed that it was possible to go through the entire process in one day, and then start over again the next day. I would start out each morning in 'denial,' the first stage, and by the end of the day, I would have reached 'acceptance' again."

Stage One: Denial
This is only a mid-life crisis. He's going to come to his senses soon. I just need to be supportive and allow him freedom to go through this phase. After all, this is outlined in books. It's a predictable life stage! Give him space.

Stage Two: Anger
How could he be so cruel? I have been patient and supportive, only to be rejected. He doesn't deserve to be happy after what he did to me. And I will make sure he is never happy again.

Stage Three: Bargaining
Okay, maybe I haven't been compromising enough or attentive to his interests and needs. He always wanted more companionship and I was always too busy with my projects. I'll take up fly-fishing and plan some romantic times together. That will get things back on track.

Stage Four: Sadness/Depression I called to tell him I had made some special plans for us. He is not interested. "I'm sorry. It's too late," he says. I feel so sad, so alone.

Stage Five: Acceptance It hasn't been easy, but I do understand that things were not great between us for a long time. He seems more at peace with himself now, and my heart still loves his heart. He's a good person and I want him to be happy. I can't make him feel happy with me. I don't want him to be with me unless he means it. And the truth is, he doesn't mean it.I don't feel secure... At this point I feel a sense of relief that he initiated the changes that are going to move us both ahead. I have faith in the future, and I am actually excited to see what may be in store for me.

Resist the Desire for Revenge
Going through a breakup floods you with some of the most intense emotions you may ever feel. The intensity of these emotions can cause you to react in ways that you never considered yourself capable of -- and which you may later regret. During the times of greatest stress, you will find it difficult to sort out choices in your best interest for future happiness from those motivated by a strong natural impulse for revenge.
In the interest of healing your heart, talk to yourself about how you are feeling. The more aware you are of your emotions, the clearer you become about your motives. It is much easier to make wise choices when you are clear about your feelings and motives.
At one point near the end of our relationship, I was filled with a strong rage at my boyfriend. I had several almost irresistible opportunities to exact revenge and hurt him back. I understood the phrase "sweet revenge" as never before.
But I chose not to react. For one thing, I didn't want to be known as a vengeful person. But it was not easy. I had to remind myself of who I was and how I wanted to be remembered.
Remind yourself of who you are when you are in a vulnerable emotional state. Take steps so that you don't compromise your future and live with regrets.

Be Open to the Chance to Fly Solo Again Being in a relationship alters your identity, blending it with another's. Both partners make compromises and assume new personality characteristics to balance the relationship. When that melded identity is dissolved, you need time to rediscover who you are now as an unalloyed, independent self. Give yourself a chance to grow accustomed to the new you.
Beware of dragging old baggage with you into a new relationship. Now is your chance to sort it out. Decide what interaction patterns or personality traits may have impacted your last relationship. Change the things you don't like, and avoid bouncing into a new relationship too soon. Above all, give yourself time to heal.
Equally important, treasure what's good about yourself. Now is the time to identify strengths and traits that perhaps were not valued by your partner. Possibly you love to ski, or read novels, or hike, but always felt guilty because your partner considered that activity a waste of time and resources. What parts of yourself have remained dormant or self-censured for the sake of other goals? Let your next most important new relationship be with your Self.
Many social functions not only include couples but are also structured around couple activities. If you are not at ease in that setting yet, don't accept well-intentioned invitations to couples' functions. Take time to become comfortable hanging out with yourself. Get back into enjoying your own company.
When your feelings are surfacing, write them down. Let them flow. If your feelings are conflicted, let the different parts of yourself argue it out with each other. Don't worry about being consistent. Don't worry about how you should feel. Find out what you do feel in all its contradictory richness. Scribble over each line or tear the paper to bits when you are finished. You want to release the feelings, not re-read and recycle them.
Scream into a pillow.
Escape into the movies and the relief of caring how someone else's story will turn out.
Sing songs matching your feelings. Read poetry.
Attend sporting events.
Learn to ask for what you need. Perhaps you need some time alone -- or even time-out so you can calm down! Make your needs known.
Renew your connection with the earth -- desert, lake, mountain, ocean, even a city park. Spend some time alone, even if you go with friends.
Apologize to your friends about any pain you may feel you have caused them: "I'm sorry I've been so grouchy. It's not your fault."
Practice deep and slow breathing. Use sighs and stretching to let go of stress.
Daydream about being in your favorite place with your favorite people.
Commit to an exercise program tailored to your lifestyle and needs. Brisk walking is as good as a run. Being physically fit helps you feel and be emotionally resilient. A good workout also helps you let go of anger and anxiety.
Make a list of all your interests and a wish list of things you would like to do. Prioritize and begin. Walk, swim, kick or throw a ball. Run, dance, jump on a trampoline. Go to bed sweaty and exhausted instead of teary and sleepless.

As time went on, I realized that I still loved him, for the person he is. Even though I no longer want our relationship, I can appreciate his kindness, his love for nature, his sense of humour. He is a person with character flaws like the rest of us. I can focus on his goodness, which will benefit my daughter, him, and myself; or I can focus on his faults, which will only hurt us all. Harboring bitterness and anger at others or yourself catches you up in the double-stranded nets of guilt and blaming.
Start by forgiving yourself -- for not seeing it coming, if nothing else. Then extend the circle as you can. You will regain your balance and forward momentum as you stop berating yourself for the past. Your new task is to be open to the future and the possibilities it holds for you.