Depression, Day 2.

i can't believe this is happening. it's been two, three years since i had this kinda experience and it sucks.

playing the good guy isn't fun. it's alot of shit work. sometimes i enjoyed it. others i ask myself, "hey look at those people who aren't so helpful. so friendly, so whatever. they're doing as well.

no, they're doing better than me.

why should i play the fool and subjugate myself to such stupid shit?

today. waking up to school, suddenly became such a chore. no more anticipation of fun. it was like that day in army, when the truth dawned.

suddenly, by some weird imagination of my mind, i am alone in this dark void of mine. totally alone.

scary.

ignored everyone today. did i feel good? no. depressed.

i'm depressed, but life continues on as normal. it's just another Friday. no one really gives a damn. well thank god they're not the one getting hurt.

it's a paradigm change, one day you're joking and having fun with your friends, the next day you're all alone, like an atom bomb wiped out the whole Earth's population and somehow you're the only survivor.

everywhere you walk, you see only figures, but u make no attempt to talk or communicate. suddenly, you are tired of all those. neither do they make any attempt.

you began to wonder, where are the people you can actually fall back on? actually trust? actually say something without meaning another?

suddenly your ideals became dystopic, worthless. what has been glorified, praised, uphold, withheld, preached by yourself suddenly seems such a horrific thing, you wonder why you saw it in the first place. you don't live for your ideals any more. the whole infrastructure of ideals upon which your actions were built up on collapses.

you collapse, as well.

and, among the ruins....

life goes on. unhindered.

everyone is rational. everyone is selfish. me included. it's time to think that way.