i walk alone, on the road less travelled

note: some comments may be discomforting to hear in this post.

thursday. felt bored. went for a lecture and then came back home at 10am. did nothing constructive until, perhaps, after this round of blogging.

felt so sien. when was the last time i experienced this? not too long ago. how many times did i experience this? lost count.

i guess when i was still staying in hall, it would have been "relaxing" to have no one disturb you when you were in the middle of something. now, it is dreary. there is no impetus to start anything. life just comes to a standstill.

i reflect upon the past year and think about my relationships with others. other than classmates (pharmacists) i had not really interacted much with other people, even the seniors. how so is this a "vibrant and enriching life" as painted by the many NUS advertisements?

i should've stuck to the clique system. having a close circle of friends gives you that foundation of which you can fall back on. at least that's what happened in sec sch and JC. i'm not a good speaker, and i know it very well. you don't throw me into a group of people and ask me to "ok, start interacting" like molecules undergoing diffusion. although, i try to subjugate myself to that kind of interaction, treating it as a "learning process". even so, the friendships formed are merely ethereal and fade away as soon as they are formed. the situation is made worse now when after a year, strong relationships and cliques form, and it is even harder to break into a clique and "be one of them".

***

then i joined eml, hoping that it would offer me some new friends which i could relate to. it proved to be a disappointment. i don't know what happened, everyone left except me and this other guy. then we got appointed to exco positions in july, i got this "logistics and tech manager". at first it was a post i got "because we're sending you for this leaders' retreat by CFA and we need to give you a title". then suddenly i became this position, something which i didn't even bargain for. felt so lost at the CFA retreat, despite all the benefits it produced. felt even more lost during the matric fair; why am i doing there? felt so lost even when the first batch of newcomers arrived.

still no one i could relate to. everyone else was into techno, hardcore dance and all the funny DJ stuff you find in clubs. i couldn't enter clubs, nor listen to much fast music without going crazy, so i opted for "new age", basically the chinese keyboard playing style (geyao) with electronic elements. don't know how that will go down. on a footnote, geyao doesn't give me much reprieve either, it's like meant for PRCs. you take a look at one of their emails, it's all broken grammar, and hanyu pinyin. and in their sessions, the PRC qiang dominates so much that it really leaves you with the question, are you in Singapore?

back to eml. over the past year, i've been a phantom in the activities organised. really don't know the exco much. and now, i don't really feel like nodding according to their plans and doing the relavant sai kang. but i love their music (well some pieces are quite nice). And music is something to be loved, isn't it?

maybe with the current situation, i should just scrape all my ccas and just do sai kang for nusps. or maybe just put myself under a spell, and mug all day all night in the medical library.

i've always walked alone, and it is maybe fate that, i will walk alone all the while.