depressed... again

sigh. what's wrong with me today?

sometimes you dont have this urge to smile back when others smile at you, and you just want to be locked in your own world, listening to your own songs, doing your own work.

probably its a way of myself atoning for the mistakes i made within myself. the wrong decisions, the regret... sometimes it's just too painful to look up,

to see others,

to reply

just feel dead.

i dunno.

i think sometimes i'm a fool with so many strings connected to my limbs, for people to manipulate in whatever way they want.

---
went for dispensing lab again. difficulty increased. very oily. made emulsifying ointment, one emulsion, and calamine cream.

it was a mess... i really hate those people who are running around. goddammit. there was one time i weighed my poison (betamethasone valerate) and i put it beside the weighing pan preparing to transfer it somewhere where whoosh! someone just ran past and sent the beta powder flying all over the place. tmd.

and when you are strapped for time, that's the last thing you wanna happen to you.

it did not help when you have 3 TAs and ms tan beside my table observing every illegal move that you make during the preparation. very stressed.

i think i will fail this practical. well everyone thinks so. but in the end, only i will fail... my work is truly shitty.

sigh. will we, because of survival, kill each other? is that a human instinct?